Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
