Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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