ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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