My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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