i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize