the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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