The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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