I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize