I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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