I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Please, let me fuck your mom
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
