Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
