I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
