Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
