Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
