You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
