apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
