onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
