sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
