After last night, I could never be a politician.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
