you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
