you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize