I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
