I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
