I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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