please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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