if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
