yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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