Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
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