i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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