Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
