No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
