I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
