I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
