If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
