when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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