I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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