Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize