just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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