dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
