Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
