Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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