So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
