Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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