Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
