I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
