it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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