Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
