Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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