She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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