I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
