I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
