Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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