Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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