I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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