'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
