LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
