Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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