Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
