farters have to be the big spoon...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
