We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We talked him into tasing himself.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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