I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
