i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
sex in a hospital.. check
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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