I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
