Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
