Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
