HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize