I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
