saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize