Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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