I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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