Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize