im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
