I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I'm jealous of your bromance
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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