last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
