all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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