My liver just broke up with me...
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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