Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
They took my balls.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
