my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Randomize
