i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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