i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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