people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
