I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
