She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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